One Year

Dear Nathan,

Happy birthday! I know I've said it to you in person many times already today, but it can always be said one more time. I've spent all day so far remembering what I was doing right now a year ago. I even looked at the clock right at 10:43 and smiled to myself remembering how wonderful that moment was last year.

I've found your birthday to be kind of bittersweet. This past year has been so perfect that I'm not ready for it to end. I'm not ready for you to move on past being my sweet baby. I want to take you in my arms, hold you close, and keep you there forever and ever. I'll even gladly cling to the sleepless nights from your early days (months) if it meant I could keep you little just a little longer.
But I'm making a point to look forward instead of behind me. The awesome little boy you're already becoming will only get sweeter and more fun as time goes on. It will be neat to watch you continue to grow, to watch your hilarious personality develop.
Right now, you are still such a happy boy, content with your surroundings--as long as Mommy is around. That's right, you are still a Mommy's boy. I love how much you cling to me, even when my arms get tired sometimes from all the carrying you still get. In fact, you scream every time we take Patrick to school or pick him up; you're afraid I'm going to leave you behind too. I've had to start carrying you on those short trips in and out of school, as well as Patrick's backpack (which is clearly too large for his tiny back), his lunch, his nap mat, and his hand. Your clinginess is forcing me into becoming SuperMom, which I guess isn't a bad thing, although a bit trying sometimes.
I'm thrilled that you are becoming increasingly excited about Daddy too, though. You chase after him (as fast as you can scoot anyways) sometimes, calling out, "Da Da Da Da" as you go. You ask for him every morning and don't seem to like when he's at work when you can't see him right away. You may still prefer that I carry you around more often, but he's an acceptable alternative. Regardless, though, you adore your daddy and think he hung the moon. I don't blame you for the adoration; he is definitely somebody special. I'm glad you take after him as much as you do.

Now that you are able to play with toys more, your relationship with Patrick is beginning to change. You admire him still, but I wonder how you can some days when he is particularly mean to you. He'll push you over, making you cry and earning him a time-out, and all you can do is look longingly at Patrick until he can come play again, even knowing that he will likely just try to push you over again or take a toy away from you. I guess it's those times when the two of you play happily together that you focus on, and honestly I love them as much as you do. I can tell the two of you are going to be best buds when you catch up a little in size and can hold your own against him.
The other day we tried to get pictures for your official one-year photos, and I didn't realize we hadn't tried a mini-session like this since you've become so mobile. It was difficult and a bit frustrating, and I was a little disappointed that I didn't get the same kinds of sweet pictures I got of your brother when he turned a year old. Of course, he couldn't crawl yet at the time, so naturally that session was easier. When I downloaded the pictures and started flipping through them, however, I was stunned at how much personality came through even the bad pictures. While most of the pictures I got may not be the kind you see in an art studio, they are YOU. I'll be much happier years from now to browse through pictures where you are crawling off, sticking your tongue out, and scrunching up your face than I would have been with those generic baby pictures.
You are growing into such a beautiful child, too. I no longer have fears that I might have one of those rare ugly babies and not know it thanks to my mother's bias. Nope, you are indeed an adorable child. The only problem with your beautiful face and soft blonde curls is that you are being mistaken for a girl more and more often. It doesn't matter how boyishly I dress you; people just get drawn in by those beautiful blue eyes and curls and look past your clothes, unable to decide whether you're a gorgeous boy or an adorable girl. I can't say I blame them. But that doesn't mean I'm cutting your hair anytime soon, just so you look more like a boy. I'm as taken by the curls as the next person, so they're sticking around for a while.
I knew how special you were before you ever made your appearance a year ago, on the first day of fall (actually exactly a minute before fall officially starts). I knew you would enrich all of our lives and how much my heart would grow to make room for you. I just had no idea exactly how much that would happen. I have gotten to the point where I could never imagine life without you in it, without that bright smile and chuckly laugh, your silly games of peek-a-boo and imitation of Patrick or me or Daddy. Thank you for this past year. I'm looking forward to the next one and the one after that and the one after that and all the joy you will continue to bring to our lives throughout your entire life. Happy birthday, my precious son. I love you to the ends of the earth.

Mommy